My 2020!
I am writing this for 2 reasons.
- To show my future self how I spent my previous years.
- To track me I am becoming better or worst.
Everyone experience this year differently. I am not out of the crowd. It was very difficult for us in many ways. It was a very different year in mankind's history.
When lockdown started, we all entered on a new routine. We became stuck in our house. I was starting to lose my every good habit which I have achieved by hard work. I have started sleeping late at night and a very big change in diet. I became so much panicked. From the panic, I was starting feeling in my nose something is stuck, feeling a sore throat and I became afraid of those feelings. Is I am affected? I can’t control myself from negative thoughts. Every five minutes, I checked BBC, CNN for getting updates on Covid-19. As the result of negative thoughts, I was starting becoming depressed, feeling devastating. My brain wanting entertainment then I started watching funny videos and spending so much time on social media. When I consuming more entertainment goods, I am losing my focus and consistency. And becoming more depressed. Mental health status always remains disorder or moderate. This year, I was almost 95% of days experienced depression. I was so much depressed I didn’t felt like eating, talk to someone, and even live. I have tried to overcome depression by trying in many ways. I have tried Stoic philosophy’s method. But there I can’t become consistent. I tried motivation, the end of the result was waste of time. I also tried to get help from some helpline like Kan Pete Roi. It works but not more than 3–5 days like motivations. Previously I had depression, But this time it becomes intolerable.
The above picture shows my mental health level. This test was in August. This time I was in some control because at that time I was reading Atomic habits. But I can’t consistent with it. Before that, every test result was 90% up.
I have got a new smartphone in June. After getting it I became so much addicted to my phone.
I wanted to escape bad feelings or depression then I was starting consuming pornography. And day by day I am becoming addicted. Added another pain on my stack.
I also become a great procrastinator, in every task I procrastinated. By this, I can't achieve most of my goals. I completely failed. Previously I forgot everything when I start programming/coding but this time I can't. This was the biggest pain this year.
I am really thankful for my journaling habits. In this bad time, this gives some clarity and direction to becoming normal. I am also thankful to my friends Rasel, Biplob, and elder brother Joynal. They give me so much metal support.
I have to fight with my mind and my thoughts. And failed most of the time.
I am my own worst enemy.
I realize so clearly, I am my own worst enemy. If I can defeat my mind I can triumph the world.
Even though I was spending bad times with my mind and thoughts. Alongside I have done my other activities. Below I have shared my activities.
As a developer, I have explored some new technologies this year.
- React hooks
- Redux
- React native
- AWS (Lambda, SES, SNS)
- HapiJs
- Docker
- Vim
- Serverless framework
I have tried to read many books. I can't finish most of them. I like non-fiction books most but this year I read many fiction books.
Fiction books
- Lost World
- The Hound of the Baskervilles
- Farmer Boy
- Little House in the Big Woods
- Little House on the Prairie
- On the Banks of Plum Creek
- By the Shores of Silver Lake
- The Long Winter
- Little Town on the Prairie
- These Happy Golden Years
- Great Expectations
- David Copperfield
- Purbo-Paschim (পূর্ব-পশ্চিম)
Non-fiction books
- Atomic habits
- The Diary of Anne Frank
Started Reading but didn’t finish.
- 7 Habits of highly effective people
- Noonday Deamon
- How to take smart notes
- Stillness is the key
- Awaken the giant within
- Dell Carnegie
- You don’t know JS (part-1)
- Refactoring UI
- Sophie’s World
- Meditation
I have watched many movies and one full TV series.
TV series
- Young Sheldon
Movies
- 127 hours
- Detachment
- Bruce Almighty
- Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
- Liar Liar
- Gladiator
- The limitation game
- The Man Who Knew Infinity
- Love in the Time of Cholera
- Before sunrise
- Singin' in the rain
- Baishe Srabon (২২শে শ্রাবণ)
- Jibon Theke Neya (জীবন থেকে নেওয়া)
- Amar Bondu Rashed (আমার বন্ধু রাশেদ)
- Shobdo (শব্দ)
- Kedara (কেদারা)
- Parineeta (পরিণীতা)
- Bharat
I have listened to lots of music. In my life, this is the first time I spent so much time enjoying music. When I listen to music I forget everything. Music was my best friend in the bad times. Here are my best friends.
- Artcell
- Shironamhin (শিরোনামহীন)
- Meghdol (মেঘদল)
- Warfaze
- Aurthohin (অর্থহীন)
- Mohiner Ghoraguli (মহিনের ঘোড়াগুলি)
- Pink Floyd
- Scorpios
- Linkin Park
- Chandrabindu (চন্দ্রবিন্দু)
- Anupam Roy
- Arnob
- Talpatar Sepai (তালপাতার সেপাই)
- Eminem
- Bob Dilan
- Alan Walker
- Michael Jackson
- Old signature
- Chitropot (চিত্রপট)
- Shohortoli (শহরতলী)
- Recitation of Siumitra
- Recitation of Bratati
- Recitation of Shimul Mustafa
- Recitation of Arafat Ahamed Shohag
This year not only bad things happened to me there were many good things.
In the end, I want to say something from my favorite man, Steve Jobs.
This was the awful tasted medicine but I guess patients needed it.
Yes, this medicine really needed for me. Through this medicine, I discover and know more deeply about myself, how I was holding wrong thoughts about myself (This is one of the best things in this year). And I am thankful to Almighty God.
Happy new year!
