I am writing this for 2 reasons.

  • To show my future self how I spent my previous years.
  • To track me I am becoming better or worst.

Everyone experience this year differently. I am not out of the crowd. It was very difficult for us in many ways. It was a very different year in mankind's history.

When lockdown started, we all entered on a new routine. We became stuck in our house. I was starting to lose my every good habit which I have achieved by hard work. I have started sleeping late at night and a very big change in diet. I became so much panicked. From the panic, I was starting feeling in my nose something is stuck, feeling a sore throat and I became afraid of those feelings. Is I am affected? I can’t control myself from negative thoughts. Every five minutes, I checked BBC, CNN for getting updates on Covid-19. As the result of negative thoughts, I was starting becoming depressed, feeling devastating. My brain wanting entertainment then I started watching funny videos and spending so much time on social media. When I consuming more entertainment goods, I am losing my focus and consistency. And becoming more depressed. Mental health status always remains disorder or moderate. This year, I was almost 95% of days experienced depression. I was so much depressed I didn’t felt like eating, talk to someone, and even live. I have tried to overcome depression by trying in many ways. I have tried Stoic philosophy’s method. But there I can’t become consistent. I tried motivation, the end of the result was waste of time. I also tried to get help from some helpline like Kan Pete Roi. It works but not more than 3–5 days like motivations. Previously I had depression, But this time it becomes intolerable.

Mental health test result

The above picture shows my mental health level. This test was in August. This time I was in some control because at that time I was reading Atomic habits. But I can’t consistent with it. Before that, every test result was 90% up.

photo by ski92

I have got a new smartphone in June. After getting it I became so much addicted to my phone.

I wanted to escape bad feelings or depression then I was starting consuming pornography. And day by day I am becoming addicted. Added another pain on my stack.

I also become a great procrastinator, in every task I procrastinated. By this, I can't achieve most of my goals. I completely failed. Previously I forgot everything when I start programming/coding but this time I can't. This was the biggest pain this year.

I am really thankful for my journaling habits. In this bad time, this gives some clarity and direction to becoming normal. I am also thankful to my friends Rasel, Biplob, and elder brother Joynal. They give me so much metal support.

I have to fight with my mind and my thoughts. And failed most of the time.

I am my own worst enemy.

I realize so clearly, I am my own worst enemy. If I can defeat my mind I can triumph the world.

Even though I was spending bad times with my mind and thoughts. Alongside I have done my other activities. Below I have shared my activities.

As a developer, I have explored some new technologies this year.

  • React hooks
  • Redux
  • React native
  • AWS (Lambda, SES, SNS)
  • HapiJs
  • Docker
  • Vim
  • Serverless framework

I have tried to read many books. I can't finish most of them. I like non-fiction books most but this year I read many fiction books.

Fiction books

  • Lost World
  • The Hound of the Baskervilles
  • Farmer Boy
  • Little House in the Big Woods
  • Little House on the Prairie
  • On the Banks of Plum Creek
  • By the Shores of Silver Lake
  • The Long Winter
  • Little Town on the Prairie
  • These Happy Golden Years
  • Great Expectations
  • David Copperfield
  • Purbo-Paschim (পূর্ব-পশ্চিম)

Non-fiction books

  • Atomic habits
  • The Diary of Anne Frank

Started Reading but didn’t finish.

  • 7 Habits of highly effective people
  • Noonday Deamon
  • How to take smart notes
  • Stillness is the key
  • Awaken the giant within
  • Dell Carnegie
  • You don’t know JS (part-1)
  • Refactoring UI
  • Sophie’s World
  • Meditation

I have watched many movies and one full TV series.

TV series

  • Young Sheldon

Movies

  • 127 hours
  • Detachment
  • Bruce Almighty
  • Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
  • Liar Liar
  • Gladiator
  • The limitation game
  • The Man Who Knew Infinity
  • Love in the Time of Cholera
  • Before sunrise
  • Singin' in the rain
  • Baishe Srabon (২২শে শ্রাবণ)
  • Jibon Theke Neya (জীবন থেকে নেওয়া)
  • Amar Bondu Rashed (আমার বন্ধু রাশেদ)
  • Shobdo (শব্দ)
  • Kedara (কেদারা)
  • Parineeta (পরিণীতা)
  • Bharat

I have listened to lots of music. In my life, this is the first time I spent so much time enjoying music. When I listen to music I forget everything. Music was my best friend in the bad times. Here are my best friends.

  • Artcell
  • Shironamhin (শিরোনামহীন)
  • Meghdol (মেঘদল)
  • Warfaze
  • Aurthohin (অর্থহীন)
  • Mohiner Ghoraguli (মহিনের ঘোড়াগুলি)
  • Pink Floyd
  • Scorpios
  • Linkin Park
  • Chandrabindu (চন্দ্রবিন্দু)
  • Anupam Roy
  • Arnob
  • Talpatar Sepai (তালপাতার সেপাই)
  • Eminem
  • Bob Dilan
  • Alan Walker
  • Michael Jackson
  • Old signature
  • Chitropot (চিত্রপট)
  • Shohortoli (শহরতলী)
  • Recitation of Siumitra
  • Recitation of Bratati
  • Recitation of Shimul Mustafa
  • Recitation of Arafat Ahamed Shohag

This year not only bad things happened to me there were many good things.

In the end, I want to say something from my favorite man, Steve Jobs.

This was the awful tasted medicine but I guess patients needed it.

Yes, this medicine really needed for me. Through this medicine, I discover and know more deeply about myself, how I was holding wrong thoughts about myself (This is one of the best things in this year). And I am thankful to Almighty God.

Happy new year!

Developer, Book lover.